I am a little behind on posting as life happens--as we all know. We get busy with work, family duties, or even summer time activities and vacations. I have had a busy last couple of months with many different things, including weddings, and unfortunately, funerals.
As a widow, you KNOW what happens every time you have had to attend a funeral after your spouse has passed. It does not matter who it is, whether you were close or you barely knew the person, the feelings in the pit of your stomach resurface. Sometimes the feelings are confusing. Are you sad because you miss the person, or are you sad because you feel so much empathy for those who are going through the loss, or are your own feelings of loss being triggered? I would venture to say that it is a little bit of each of these. Even though we are all widows, we each have our own story. We can never exactly walk in someone else's shoes, but we do know the pain of loss, perhaps in ways that we never knew before. I am certainly more understanding of widows now that I am one. I now know all the things that they have to take care of as a single person--the lawn, the finances, children, the car repairs, the home maintenance, all the decisions, and even family relationships. One of the funerals I attended in the last month was for a stillborn baby. Until I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, I never could fully understand the pain of losing a child. But, I do now. I was 16 weeks pregnant, and it hurt. This precious baby was full-term. The pain of losing a life you helped create hurts--- a lot. The plans you already dreamed about are taken from you. Our life experiences certainly can dictate how we do or don't handle things. I hope we can all give each other grace for the things that we do not know or understand about each others because we have never walked their exact path before.
I was driving to another funeral this past week for my mom's cousin who died unexpectedly and too soon. Too young. It was a dreary, rainy day so it took me longer to get to the funeral because of the weather conditions, The good news was that I had time to listen to a Catholic radio program that was giving advice on how to get through the day when things are not going well or you are overwhelmed. The topic was fitting for the day. The first thing they talked about was how we often pre-grieve a situation which makes us think of all the bad things that MIGHT happen before they happen, even after the death of someone we love. The devil likes to bring up all of our fears and turns up the volume on them so we don't focus on the present moment. These negative messages prevent us from living in the here and now. A priest I know used to say, "tell the devil to go to hell" when negative thoughts or thoughts from the past try to creep into a situation. These thoughts may tell us that we did not do enough, or we are not good enough, or we don't have the skills to handle a situation. These are thoughts that are NOT true and are NOT from God.
The counselors on the program relayed three tips that can help us get through tough situations to try to find a sense of normalcy in the midst of chaos or pain or sorrow. I am going to try to summarize them into brief explanations the best I can.
The first thing was to pray--not just pray for the situation, but pray to glorify God. Pray with infinite trust in Him knowing that He has got this situation--whatever the situation may be. You are not alone. Thank Him for being right there with you in the mess.
The second thing was to ask Him and the Holy Spirit to help you be your best self during this situation. What do you need to do to handle the present circumstances well?
The third thing was to focus on helping others that may be involved to be their best self through this situation. I had to think about this one for a bit and then I realized that we can go down that road called "misery" when we are in a tough spot and we can take others there with us. "Misery does love company" and so we have to be careful that we don't go down this road if we are trying to help. Please, please, do not misunderstand me, this does not mean we pretend everything is okay because we have to grieve and we have to cry. But what it does mean is that we also have to handle the affairs at hand. We can only stay curled up in the fetal position for so long. And don't beat yourself up if you have to return to that fetal position on the floor months or even years later. We have to grieve, but we also have to find the strength to endure. If someone is in need of rest because a situation is too overwhelming, help them to find that rest. If you need rest, find that rest. If too many decisions need to be made, break those decisions down and find the strength to handle them one at a time or help another person handle them one at a time. Don't let the devil paralyze you with fear, worry or hopelessness. Our God is not a God of anxiety. He is
a God of hope, mercy, comfort and peace.
If today or next week or next month has you dealing with illnesses, funerals, or any overwhelming life circumstances, cry and grieve, and then take a deep breath, pause and pray. You don't need to be anxious about anything. He has got you and he has got this--whatever your "this" is.
"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make you requests know to God."-Phil. 4:6
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