As widows, we all have our story of grief. Often, it plays back in our mind like a bad dream.
My story began late March 2015. My husband was 49 years old and he had the flu. Well, it seemed like the flu, expect for this nagging feeling inside of me that something was not quite right. He was already plagued with a muscle disorder that was starting to manifest itself with a lot more weakness in his arms and legs. Maybe it is just the muscle disorder progressing... we both thought.
Earlier that year, he had been burdened with lower back pain and a large, flattened, fatty tissue lump on his back…”nothing to worry about” they said, but something our doctor wanted to biopsy. We truly were not that worried. Cancer was not even on our radar as we were sure this lump had something to do with his muscle disorder. A day after the biopsy, the call came. “Come to the ER, your husband has metastasized cancer.”
“What?” I thought I knew what that meant, but my brain could not even process. We were met at the hospital with a few close friends and two of our parish priests at our side. The CT scan the next day revealed our worst nightmare—tumors—everywhere. No organ was spared. Lung cancer, they thought, because that was the location of the largest tumor. I was determined to fly across the country for second opinions but was told, “you don’t have time for second opinions.” We managed locally to get a 2nd. opinion, but our prognosis was the same—maybe 6-9 months. Our reality was actually six weeks from death to diagnosis.
On May 14, 2015, after 22 years of marriage, I became a widow at the age of 47 and my children, ages, 13, 16, and 19 became fatherless. I went through a sort of post traumatic stress event with my husband’s death. I have had nine years of experiencing every emotion, and many trials of dealing with grief, grieving children, struggles in faith, finances, dating after loss, and so, so, so many more. I will share many of those moments in this blog. I have attended many grief seminars, became certified in the Grief Recovery Method™, and facilitated grief groups for widows through the local services in my area. I have prayed, I have cursed, I have cried, and I have made mistakes along this grief journey. But the one thing I have not done is give up my faith In God. I have questioned Him, I have argued with Him, I have ignored Him, I may even have abandoned Him at times, but He never has abandoned me. Thankfully, that is not who He is.
Why do I share in this blog? For some reason, ever since my husband died, God has called me to walk with other widows—too many to count. I am an imperfect woman of Catholic faith, but grief does not differentiate. Our grief as widows knows no religion and if you don’t believe in God and you are grieving, I hope that I can introduce you to Him as the Father that loves, forgives, saves, and cares more about you than you care about Him. I would have never gotten through all that I have without Him. I say “my mite is my might”, but it is really His might. He is the God who rescues and heals and brings me hope. My friend, this is just the beginning of my story and my journey through grief. Romans 5:3-4 reminds us that "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us." This sounds like too much to bear when you first experience the loss of your spouse. It was for me. There was no rejoicing in suffering. But, God loved me too much to leave me there. Nothing is wasted with God. I pray you will someday have a Hope story that includes your grief story. Your grief, my grief, is the price we paid for sacrificial love. You loved hard. You will also cry hard. So, cry hard, my sister, cry hard.
Please share your story with me at lovebettertoday@gmail.com. Please share your questions and your struggles as well. I will try to address topics emailed to me. If you are questioning it or feeling it, chances are one of our other sisters in Christ is also experiencing it. I will address these topics from my own experience or the experiences of other widows I have met. I am not here to counsel you, I am here to console you and remind you that you are not alone.
Comments