Nine Years and a reflection of lessons

Yesterday was the 9th Anniversary of my husband's passing. I thought about posting this on the actual anniversary and somehow I just could not. It was not because I was more sad on that day than any other day. In fact, the actual day was a pretty good day. It was more about the thoughts that I was having on the actual day. I have always been introspective, but since Brian has died I have become even more so.

I have learned as a widow that the anticipation of milestones is worse than the actual milestone day-whether it is a birthday, anniversary, whatever the memory may be. Today, the day after, I find myself more melancholy because these anniversaries bring out the urge to look through old photos or cards or facebook posts. You remember all the good times that you wish you could relive. Old friends reach out to reminisce. I love it all, I really do, but, you know, it is the triggers that I talked about in an earlier post.

This year the triggers made me think more about the state of other people's marriages than the actual passing of Brian. There was a little guilt in that for me which is probably why I did not post this on the actual day. But, as the days have gone on and I have tweaked this post, I realize it is also a gift that I think Brian has given me. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I wish, just for a day, I could give someone the perspective of life without their spouse. We live in a very selfish, me-focused world. When you are in the midst of marriage, often you think of all the things that the other person does wrong. But, when you are by yourself after losing your spouse, you still have to live with your selfish self. And you realize, you are not as perfect as you once thought you were! The only person to blame for things now is yourself! I leave dirty clothes on the floor. I run late...not Brian's "fault" anymore--I have to own it. What a huge eye opener for me! Trust me, neither of us were perfect, but this hindsight is such a gift that I wish I could offer to married couples. I always like to say that I was not called to perfection, but I was called to partnership.

So, at the end of the day, why did it have to be this way for me, for you, my widow friends? Don't get me wrong, after nine years, I am not living my life moping around--Brian would never want that for me. That I know for sure. But, when I look at what is happening around me in marriages and families, I think, wow, we had so much to offer other couples and families, not because we had it all figured out, but because we were "real." So, why did it have to be this way? I ask this question all the time without a lot of answers. As I write this, I wish I had the answer. But, what I do know is that I can share my experience, and you can share yours, and hopefully impact just one person to live their best life, to live their best marriage, to live their best widowhood. Even though I miss Brian everyday, I know he is in a better place. I actually hate this cliche line, especially when it comes from someone else that is trying to comfort me. In my mind, the better place is with us. But as a widow, it is great to have the realization for yourself that your spouse IS in a better place. One day, my sister in widowhood, you will come to this same realization if you believe in salvation and heaven.

I listened to a podcast today (May 24) that pretty much reassured me that Brian is not in heaven wishing he was back here. In fact, I am pretty sure he does not miss this life because from his perspective, he IS with us, just in a very different way than we are used to him being with us. I have an earthly. worldly perspective and he has an eternal perspective. My perspective, not just in grief, can leave me doubting this eternal Godly perspective of my life.

I can honestly say at this point in my life, that I rarely hold on to doubt for too long. I am almost 57 years old, I have endured a lot of things and, yet, I still know who I am at the core. I am content with not trying to impress anyone, but rather, just trying to be my most authentic self, even with all my shortcomings, with the grace of a woman who has experienced much and just wants other to embrace this life with God at the foundation. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I still have worry and anxiety over certain things, but I don't let it consume me anymore.

Whether your spouse is alive or your spouse passed away recently, let go of the grudges, let go of looking at the worst in others, or looking at the worst in yourself, and affirm the best in others and yourself. Let go of all those things that prevent you from finding joy. If you are grieving, grieve, but don't let your grief consume you to the point that you can not function. If you recently lost your spouse, this does not apply to you! Girl, grieve it all out. Curl up on the bathroom floor--I know I did--many times! You have to do this if you are ever going to make it to this place of peace. This is the same advice I would give a married couple who is struggling. Let go of all the false expectations that you have and get all the "grief" out there so you can enjoy this life with the person that God entrusted into your care. Tomorrow is not promised. I did not have to learn that from experience, I lived it.

So, here's to nine years. I am toasting, in my mind, the man that made me a mother, a wife, a friend and reflecting on the lessons of these years. Thank you, Brian, for the 22 years of marriage that made us who we were, and made me think about marriages on your anniversary day. Today (May 28), I am celebrating that.

(Brian's anniversary was on May 14. This post was wriiten on May15, tweaked on May 24, and published on May 28..that is how I sometimes roll!)