Losing a spouse at an early age or even pre-retirement age is not something you think would be in God’s plan for your life. The journey of grief can leave you feeling utterly lost and alone wondering, “Now what?” Perhaps you have young children, or maybe you were getting ready to enjoy your retirement years. The world you once knew may leave you feeling like an outsider in your own life, and the path forward may seem uncertain. In this time of profound sorrow and upheaval, it's normal to struggle with a myriad of emotions—pain, confusion, anger, numbness and even feelings of being betrayed by God. Each day may feel too heavy to try to navigate the real-life stuff that comes on a daily basis. The world around you does not stop even when your circumstances have changed. I liken it to an invisible backpack strapped to your back that just keeps weighing you down. The contents of the backpack are large and small rocks that represent all the things that you carry. The largest rock being your grief, but right up there are your children, your finances, your job, your household chores, your emotions. There are so many things weighing you down that nobody sees, but you feel. It seems like a daunting challenge to even try to navigate your next step.
I went through all of this nine years ago, and I can share with you that there is hope. Healing is a journey, and though the road may be long and arduous, know that you are not alone. The hardest thing for a widow to do is ask for help from family and friends, but so many people want to do something, and they have no idea what to do or even what to say. As widows, we will hear well-meaning friends and family try to offer us words of consolation, and at times, they may say the wrong thing. Give them grace. They have never walked in your shoes. One day you will be able to share with them what you really needed in that moment. Don’t let these moments isolate you from the people that care for you. Take one day at a time. Grief has no timeline. People have timelines, grief does not. Seek solace in the embrace of loved ones when you need it and seek solitude when you need that too. Sometimes curling up on the bathroom floor is exactly what you need that day. Discover ways to keep cherished memories alive. I will dedicate another post to this topic at a later date. But for now, focus on living in the present. Don’t dwell on the past and surrender your future to God who has you in the palm of His hands. Trust in your ability to persevere—every day. This is a new chapter in life—one you did not ask for, wish for, or expect, and yet, here you are. Where will you go from here? What would your deceased spouse want you to do? My sister, take each moment as it comes, you don’t have to have all the answers right now. Mentally, allow yourself the grace to grieve well and for as long as you need to. Spiritually, surround yourself with a faith community that will embrace you and walk with you. Physically, get out of the house and go for a walk, or join a gym, or find a new activity that will help you relieve stress. And, practically, do not make any major life decisions for at least two years. This was the best advice anyone ever gave me after my husband died. There are so many emotions the first couple of years that come and go like waves. Often these emotions can lead to impulsive decisions without considering the long-term effects. I hope this blog will guide you in your steps and give you the hope that you need one week at a time, one day at a time, and even one minute at a time. Where do you go from here? You take up your path with tears in your eyes, courage in your feet, and you carry on, my sister. You carry on.
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